


Assassinstuck

by dynamitedragon



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Assassins AU, Gen, M/M, cheesy assassin names are cheesy, gave the striders a sister, will contain swears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 22:48:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20016046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dynamitedragon/pseuds/dynamitedragon
Summary: What is says on the tin. The Striders are a family of assassins and Dirk is doing his best to get his younger siblings the hell away from the maniacs that are their parents. Also they steal a helicopter. I suck at summaries.





	Assassinstuck

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting in my docs for a while, hopefully y'all will like it.

Dirk Strider had a very particular set of skills, ones handed down in his family for generations. The kind of skills that most law abiding citizens would frown at. His parents began his training when he was around four and he had only just finished it at the tender age of 24. Dirk hadn’t seen his little brother in ten years, but he knew Dave would be joining him in the field soon enough. Sometimes Dirk really hated working as an assassin and spy for hire, but now it was going to pay off. Now he was going to rescue his little brother from their bat-shit crazy insane parents and give him a childhood. Granted he was a fourteen year old assassin in training, but Dirk had been there once so he knew it sucked royally. He had finally managed to locate his elusive parents and was preparing to bust in and fuck shit up when someone popped their head out one of the windows. They were young so there was a good chance it was his brother, they were also carrying a….baby? Shit, those assholes must have reproduced again. Guess that meant he had another child to save…  
Dirk crept forward quietly and waited for the teen to climb down, startling him would only end up in someone getting hurt. Once he was on the ground the teen froze and stared straight at the bushes Dirk was hiding in.   
“I don’t care who you are, but I know you’re there. We’re not staying here, you can’t make us.” He said as he slid into a fighting stance.  
“Yeah, no. Simmer down now, dude. Definitely not here to make you stay, that happens to be the complete opposite of my intentions. I’m here to rescue you, and the baby too I guess.” Dirk said as he popped out of the bushes and waved a little at the teen whom he hoped was his brother. They just stared at him.  
“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at? Did you really think I would fall for that? I don’t even know you, why would you come for me?” Now the baby was starting to get fussy so Dirk decided to whip out the I’m-your-older-brother-so-just-fuckin-do-as-I-say card that Derrick had been so fond to use on him.  
“Well, I’m one of your older brothers...I think,you are Dave right? Little hard to hunt down someone you haven't seen in ten years, but I digress. I went to a lot of trouble hunting these assholes down, so you’re just going to have to trust me.” Yeah, Dirk knew this was probably sounding really sketchy to the kid, but he hadn’t counted on catching the teen in his own escape attempt. He hadn’t even thought about the possibility, maybe their folks were letting up on their control a bit now that Derrick and himself were out of the picture. Who knows, they might have even let Dave go to public school. Dave didn’t look any less skeptical at that, but he relaxed his guard so Dirk thought he was making progress.  
“Dirk? Didn’t you die?” Dave asked, and the slight hint of hopefulness almost broke Dirks heart. It reminded him of how shitty a brother he had been to Dave.  
“Yeah, lil’man. I ‘died’ to come get you. Now c’mon, if we get caught we’re both screwed.” Dirk said as shouts broke out above them.  
“Let's get the hell out of here then!” Dave was starting to freak out so Dirk grabbed him and dragged him towards his rendezvous spot. Hopefully Bandit would still be there with the helicopter Dirk had decided to ‘borrow’. Dirk still had no idea why the hell Bandit had agreed to help him in the first place, but he’d interrogate him later. Thankfully, Bandit was indeed where Dirk had left him.   
“Bandit! Start the copter!” Dirk shouted as he pushed Dave into the aircraft and jumped in. Bandit sent him an odd look, as odd as one could manage through goggles and face paint, but obeyed. Just as they were about to make their grand escape, the guards broke through the tree line and started firing at them. The noise of the bullets bouncing off the copter woke up the baby in Dave’s arms and Dirk decided to take matters into his own hands. He reached around the pilot seat and grabbed Bandits gun, almost getting shot in the process because Bandit doesn’t fucking like it when you touch his shit apparently, before opening the side door a little and opening fire on those rude assholes. He managed to take out almost half of them before they were too high in the sky for Dirk to aim correctly.   
“So. Care to tell me what the bloody fuck you’re doing, Puppeteer?” Bandit asked as they flew towards Texas. He sounded pissed and Dirk was starting to regret swiping the gun.  
“. . . .Borrowing your gun. They were being too loud. Here.” Dirk replied, sliding the gun towards his pissed off associate. It probably wasn’t the best idea to give the angry sniper a gun, but Dirk was relatively sure he was too busy flying to shoot him. Probably. He was proven wrong when the brit swiped the gun out of his reach and aimed it at his head. Fuck.  
“Never. Touch. My. Guns. Are we clear, Puppeteer?” Dirk nodded, his mask bumping into the gun before it was retracted.  
“Duly noted. Any other rules I should know, if this strange relationship we have is going to work we need some communication.” Dirk snarked as he sat next to Dave.  
“What are you on about? I don’t recall us being in any sort of relationship.” Bandit said skeptically, jumping at Dirks gasp of apparent surprise  
“Does this mean you don’t love me anymore?! It’s because we never went out together, isn’t it? I might need to call up my female parental unit to sob loudly at the loss of my boo…” Dirk lamented loudly, trying and succeeding in making Dave laugh. The baby was still agitated but no longer crying.  
“What the- Puppeteer stop spouting nonsense. Or would you rather fly the helicopter?” Bandit asked loudly, turning around to pin Dirk with what appeared to be a displeased look.  
“Fine…..we can talk about it later.” Dirk sighed melodramatically. The rest of the trip was silent unless Dirk was giving directions and Bandit took off almost immediately after Dirk and his new charges got off. Apparently the brit was still pissy about the gun.   
“Alright guys, lets head back to my place so I can change and then go out to get baby...stuff…” Dirk said authoritatively, leading Dave across roof tops until they got to his apartment. Dave seemed to trust him enough to carry the baby, a girl named Dana apparently, while they jumped across the buildings so Dirk thought the whole forced-bonding-while-escaping-their-tyrant-parents thing was going pretty good. Maybe he could salvage the rest of this kids childhood.

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I don't think this will be the only helicopter they jack.   
> Dirk is just trying to be a good brother.


End file.
